Half a World Away

When Mommy, Auntie Nins and Uncle Jo were young,
Grappa had to leave the country for a year or two.
Gramma used to write letters, record our voices on cassette tapes, and mail them to him.
He usually received them one to two months later.
I can't imagine how lonely it must have been for all of us back then.



Gramma says we're lucky we have the Internet and Skype.
But that fact doesn't make things easier, in my opinion
Even though Daddy always leaves the iPad and the Mac online
So that I can see you whichever time I choose.

 

I still try to sing to you your rhymes and teach you "The Eency Weency Spider"
But it's not the same because I can't teach you the hand gestures that you love.
Whenever you're bored or cranky, I can't tickle you or lift you in the air saying "Superquin!"
Because that never failed to make you squeal with laughter.
When I see you cry, I have no way of pulling you into a tight embrace so I can comfort you.
I have no way to hold you when you reach out for me on the screen,
And every time you do that, I burst into tears because I feel my heart breaking into pieces.

Because of the time difference I only get to see you two to four hours a day

Unless I watch you sleep and imagine I'm right there beside you, which is something I like doing a lot.

Daddy has been doing a great job, trying to fill in all the spaces I left behind

Although he says without me there, it will never be the same.

So each time we say goodbye, I fall asleep crying,
Because I can never get used to having you thousands of miles away.

I promise you that I will never ever leave you and Daddy for more than a day after this,

And I will be there each time you need the love and attention that you deserve.

Don't worry, my loves.  

Mommy's coming home soon.

And everything will be just as if I never even left.

A Hug for Mommy

Today I was making your milk,
Just a foot away from the bed.
I turned away for a split second.
As I turned back,
You fell off the bed, landing on the floor on your back.
There was a 3-second silence before you burst into tears.
I rushed to you
Picked you up and pulled you into a tight embrace,
Rocking you back and forth, whispering words of comfort.
You didn't hit your head, and you fell a very short distance,
But you cried from the shock of it.

I felt tears stream down my face.  
I think I cried harder than you did.
Partly because I wouldn't know what to do if something happened to you,
And partly because I felt like the worst mother in the world and knew you deserve someone better.

You felt me trembling while I hugged you, looked up, and stopped crying abruptly
When you saw my tears.
Then silently, you hugged me back,
Burying your face in my chest
As if you were telling me that you were okay
And that I didn't have to worry.

Funny, I thought it was my job to make you feel better.
Motherhood certainly is full of surprises.

Life's Meaning

I had a carefree life.  I smoked, got drunk, hung out, went to the beach, and danced til’ dawn. My day job broke the monotony of it all.  Work was just something that made me look forward to the end of each day.  All I ever had to think about was myself.  I never had to worry about the future because it all seemed so sure and predictable.  

I saw the men in my life as temporary fixtures, existing for a time when I needed them, to learn something, and to grow as a person.  When they have served their purpose, it was relatively easy for me to let go and move on.

Through it all, life felt pointless.  Empty.

And then Broddy came along.  I was head over heels, ignoring friends’ warnings that it could just be a passing frenzy.  Because during that time, I felt it… that inexplicable feeling of knowing that you are faced with The Rest of Your Life.  For the first time in my life, I could see myself spending the rest of my life with someone.  And it felt right.  Even almost tangible.  And even during that time of weakness when I was undecided about committing to a future with him, a sudden twist of fate made that decision for me.  Joaquin happened. 

Who would have known that so much would happen in a few years?  We have grown a lot since then.  We have matured beyond what we expected and imagined.  Our relationship has changed… in some ways to our detriment… but in more ways for the better.  Joaquin became The Reason.  The reason for everything we had to go through since we met, and for everything that happened even before that.  Joaquin is the reason why we had to go through all of life’s ups and downs.  It was all just a test of our integrity, endurance, patience, perseverance, strength, and Faith.  We were being taught how to be responsible for someone else totally dependent on us.  We were being taught Unconditional Love.  Life was molding us into what we are now:  Parents.

I’ve read so many books and articles about finding Life’s meaning, because just like the rest of the world, I had no idea what it is.

But maybe Life’s meaning is different for each of us.  To me, Life may mean Broddy, Joaquin, and this new life growing inside of me.  But whatever Life’s meaning may be for any of us, one thing that weaves it all together must be one thing: Love.  May it be love for someone close to us, for a stranger, for oneself, or for a Supreme Being... it is the universal concept that holds all of us together in that complicated web of existence. 

The roller coaster of Life is far from ending.  I know that we will go through so much more trials as a couple, and as a family.  I count myself one of the lucky few to have found Love so early in my life, and to have the chance to share it with my Better Half.  With my family, I celebrate the heartaches and joys of Life, and I embrace Love in all its glory.

I love you, Broddy and Joaquin.  Thank you for being Life’s Meaning.

In the Midst of a Busy Day

Hey Chipmunk. I'm on duty again.

I know I do this every 3 days or so, but don't you worry...this will end soon. Just a few more months, and we'll be together 24;7.

Whenever i am far from home, i turn on my laptop to stare at your photos and watch your videos. I do this for hours on end, until I fall asleep, excited for the next day because I know that soon enough, we will be together again.

I show your pictures to people at work and I tell them about how you laugh when you watch yourself on Photo Booth and whenever I sing Baa Baa Black Sheep.

I beam with pride and tell them how intelligent you seem to be at 3 months old because you can look directly at the camera, and because I can hold your attention for as long as I want, and your gaze wouldn't waver. I tell them about how you can watch an entire Pixar movie on DVD and seem to understand it, and how you can hold an entire conversation with jibberish but seem to understand what I say.

I call home several times during the day to ask if you've been fed, bathed, or given vitamins. I ask if you've had your afternoon nap and if you've had enough sleep, and I ask if they let you watch the DVDs I personally hand-pick before I leave home.

And whenever work is done and it's time for me to go home, i take the wheel from Tonards and drive the car home myself. I drive as fast as I can through the rush hour traffic because I always can't wait to see you, hug you, kiss you, and tell you reassuringly that I'm there with you at last.

You probably wouldn't remember the many times that i left you with your grandparents or the yaya at home, but I just wanted you to know that every minute i spend away from you is torture.

It makes me sad that I miss out on so many hours that I could be spending teaching you, playing with you, and taking care of you. But I have to work like this because I want to buy you good food and nice things, and send you to the best schools. And if that means I have to do a little sacrifice by staying away from you for nights at a time, then I will bear with it, as long as I leave you with people whom I can trust.

Just remember, Quin. I have always made you and Daddy my First Priority.

Before work, before play, and even before me.

So again, don't worry, Chipmunk.

Just a few more months, and this will all be over soon.

To Quin

Joaquin Lucas Quesada

Born on January 1, 2012, 9:34 am

My world shifted, the moment I first laid eyes on you. Who would have believed that miracles were possible? I tried to figure out what I did right in my life to have been blessed with such a beautiful baby.

You looked so small and fragile… naked, defenseless and crying. Something in my heart twitched and I knew in that second, that I would do anything and everything in my power to clothe you, protect you and ease your pain. I found out what love at first sight is like.

Your dad was so proud when he met you. He was determined to provide for us, and he knew that he was going to teach you many new things...such as how to tie your shoelaces, how to ride a bike, how to play ball, how to share, how to be a real friend, how to be a real man, how to treat women, how to find your soulmate, and how to love others.

After we took you home, I cried for hours while watching you sleep. I couldn't sleep myself, scared that if I take my eyes off you, something might happen to you. I had no idea how to take care of you, and I was so afraid that I wouldn't be a good parent.

I soon realized that motherhood is something you can never be ready for. Someone said it's like deciding to have your heart exist outside of your chest. That makes so much sense to me now. A love for your child is indescribable. It is so awesome that it fills me up to the point that I want to explode sometimes. But instead, I cry when I'm alone and think no one's watching.

Daddy knows it though, even when I don't tell him. He clowns around, makes me laugh and hugs me whenever he feels like I'm sad about it. He says I'm a great mom, and I always do hope what he says is true.

Days passed, and things got better. Everyday we learned new things on how to take care of you and how to love you better.

I know we have many more years to spend together, but early at this point, we just want you to know how much we have loved you from the beginning. You gave us reason to exist, work hard and be happy.

We love you more than anything, Quin. We're looking forward to the day that you would grow up and understand how much we do.